Creative Director: Tumelo Mogoane, Concept: Ayanda Sithebe, Producer: Felicia Naiwa Sithebe, Article by: Ayanda Halimana, Photographer: Katlego Mokubyane, Wardrobe: Thebe Magugu , Stylist: Rirhandzu Phanga, Makeup Artist: Nono Linchwe, Hair: TumeloMJ Afro Boutique, Videographer: Bokang Sesele, Production Team: Tshepo Marema, Judith Mamarara, Felicity Vilakazi, Zintle Dingilizwe, Wellington Ngobeni & Moleboheng Selekane, Location: Joburg Theatre
Dearest Gentle Reader,
Consider yourselves invited to the private screening, no – filming, no… consider-
Cut! Let’s go again, still rolling.
Dearest Reader,
Meet the prolific, deeply rooted, astoundingly talented sister.
Her name carries a calming spirit,
Her smile spreads like the glorious sun over the seas at daybreak.
She has a bountiful energy which easily makes you comfortable.
She is graceful, yet strict.
She is friendly but sets clear boundaries.
She is regal, poised and posh sounding.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:
the creative humble soul, the vibrant and passionate
Xolile Tshabalala.
And that’s a take. Next Scene.
Camera? Rolling. Sound? Speed. First positions. Aaaaand…. action!
Act 01, Scene 01, Take 01: Grace
We are in a vast land adorned in green: trees, grass and sugarcane. People run about; I am given a helmet to put on and safety boots. We walk into the production side where lots of big machines fill the large area. We are taken through the process of refining sugar. I am interested but anxious about the day. There are too many scenes on that call sheet. Will they make the day? I am with the Producers of the TV Series ‘Fallen”. It is 2011. I am a Commissioning Editor, and this is my very first show. My anxiety is at an all-time high, and I am thinking, I should be worried about something… I should go out and sit by the monitor. Breathe. Just breathe.
As I am taken to the director’s monitor we are met with one of the producers. He wants to discuss the next scene. The actress has some concerns. In the scene the character discovers some devastating news and according to the script her response is pacing and breaking down. I am told the actress has another idea of playing the scene. In fact, she is adamant that the way it is written doesn’t feel truthful in that moment. I am intrigued. I suggest that the first take be as the actress suggests and if we do not agree then she must play it the way it’s written and as per the director’s vision.
I sit by the monitor. Then I stand – because I cannot sit down when Xolile is performing. She walks into the scene commanding attention, the monitor screen is too small, it’s as though her screen presence will break it. I must watch this live. I pause, I listen.
I watch and I am transported into the depths of emotion as I watch her take on the moment. Suddenly Xolile disappears and I see the character. I feel what she feels I don’t even realize that I am now holding my breath. It is now very quiet on set. We can almost hear each other breathe. Eventually, I hear ‘Scene’. The director has spoken. We have the scene in the can. I exhale, and realize I was also holding back tears. I walk away nodding to the director. That was the only way to play that scene. Xolile smiles at the director who proceeds to tell her it works. I smile as I walk away dodging the crew that is busy setting up for the next scene. I am in awe. That was brilliant!
Cut! This is all backstory! We must open with a bang!!! (Read this in Xolile’s resounding stage voice).
Sigh. Bang… bang… I mean, Xolile herself is a bang. When she walks into the room you feel her presence before you even see her. When she comes onto your screen you find yourself watching her intently, moving with her, following her eyes as though you are in the scene with her. No matter how small or big the role she plays, she nails it. So how do I open this with a bang? Well, let me tell you a story… the present story. She is currently gracing our screens once more in a long form; first of (hopefully) many by Netflix in South Africa. They have been commissioning shorter episodic shows but have recently decided to create a 20-part series by Gambit Films. It is called Blood Legacy… it’s on now, you can go check. No… not now, after reading this. The series opens with a murder. Bang!
Gentle reader,
Manage your expectations please.
My anxiety cannot handle that kind of a bang.
In any case the story I’m telling doesn’t need that.
Our lady is far too graceful.
Perhaps, that is why the title sequence shows her determined face first, and of course, she is the leading lady – the protagonist, i starring. Fast forward to the actual beginning of the series – her very first words are through an interview. Her father (in the story), her uncle in real life; Bab Treasure Tshabalala-
Oh, are they related? You may ask.
Dearest Gentle Reader,
I will let you in on a known secret,
Here in South Africa surnames bind us, sometimes more than blood.
If you share the same surname, it is assumed that you are one blood.
Think ‘Lilian and Desmond Dube’. They are related but not really. Get it?
Ok, let’s leave the Dubes alone and come back to MaTshabalala.
Where were we? Oh yes… in the first scene of Blood Legacy, Khanyisile (One who brings light), Xolile’s Character is being interviewed on TV. Her father in the story is watching this as he hovers over Durban in a helicopter. The news anchor asks Khanyisile ‘Is there any viable solution to the corruption we are seeing in government?’. Khanyisile answers ‘We need integrity and transparency in all facets of business and government’. What an opening line for her. It gives the themes, sets the tone of her journey and gives an idea of the world of the story. All in one line.
Speaking of the world of the story, the first time I saw Xolile perform was in a drama series set in a privately owned sugarcane farm, Fallen. Her character was trying to claim what her late lover did not leave her. In Blood Legacy she is the prodigal daughter who ends up fighting to reclaim transparency and integrity into the family business. These are the values her character is also tested on. What a full circle!
Ok, this opening with a bang rule is making me nervous now. Whew, ok. Let’s try again. Theme… yes. Our Act One’s theme is grace.
Let’s try again.
Act 01, Scene 01, Take 02: Focus
In the heart of Hyde Park, at a busy popular restaurant hugged by trees and streets I sit alone waiting. I don’t mind waiting. In fact, I am too nervous to have this lunch because it comes with expectations of a killer write-up about someone I used to watch on TV many years ago. At the time, she captured many hearts in South Africa… She was the crush of most of my agemates. She was the articulate, fierce and no-nonsense Julia Motene. English rolled off her tongue like butter. (It still does).
It’s busy here today, the restaurant is full of people seated, talking, laughing and eating. I’m getting agitated, not because I am impatient but because I am asking myself; what can I write about her that is worthy. Words live forever. I must write the best article… well maybe I can’t. But maybe what I can write is… …My phone rings. I can’t say I was saved by the call because they are here. Now I am breathing and counting to ten all at once because now I can’t run from this. I stand up and wave at them. She comes with two ladies who are accompanying her. How befitting, I think. But she looks like she wants to sit down as soon as possible. She is not shy, but very private, you see. She can be outdoors, but she generally keeps to herself. They approach, and she smiles. That enthralling smile calms me down. We sit, the other ladies find another table.
As we settle down a waiter comes and greets us, well no – he greets her. ‘Good afternoon MaTshabalala’. I focus on my questions and preparation notes as they chat a bit. As soon as he leaves, she laughs and says, ‘It’s fascinating how everybody knows my name’. I laugh, ‘Girl! Do you know who you are?’ We both laugh.
I jump into talking about what I have observed since I’ve known her. I ramble on about her consistency and her discipline. The lady is strict! Especially towards herself. She has an unmatched level of self-discipline. I ask her how she has managed to be consistent in that level of focus, all these years. She takes a moment and considers this and then she easily says-
‘Ey my friend, because what else, right?’ Either you are focused or you’re not. It’s a calling, you know this. This is given to us by God nabantu bakithi abadala so if you take it for granted you then dishonor who you are. I always say to people I can’t speak ill of my grandfather’s name because I carry u Tshabalala. This is my grandfather’s name I walk around with. If I honor and respect him then I have to respect the craft. You will never know my grandfather’s face; the world will never meet him. Umkhulu wami sezishonele, uzilalele but you will know him through me, you honor him.
You honor my grandmother who used to work as a domestic worker osebenze kanzima so that my mother can be a teacher, so that I can be who I am. You will never meet these people. I’m honoring my grandfather from my father’s side u Ncongwane who took care of me with my Grandfather Amos. They worked together. I never met both my grandmothers. I am honoring that. They left me but their prayers carry me. Ukhumbule Ayanda o Gogo bethu mabesithandazela babethi Nkulunkulu ngibhekele usapho lwami. Look after my children, please God.
I’m sure when my grandmother was cleaning a white woman’s house in Northcliff she would say I am doing this for my children, and my children’s children to come, my descendants. You know, she died when she found out that my mother was pregnant. I arrived six months before u gogo ashone. So, bakwazi ukungimukisa esbhedlela e Bara (Baragwanath hospital) bangibeka phezu kwakhe and that’s all I will ever know of her. But I know the love she had for me therefore my work must constantly represent them. When you call me, you call me Xolile Tshabalala. Those who know me bangazi ngo Xolile Tshabalala Ncongwane, from my father’s side and those are the names, I can’t misuse them. It’s also knowing lo Nkulunkulu abamthandazile for years and years. My grandmothers were little girls, but they said, “one day ngizoba nabantwana, I’m sure umzukulu wami uzaba this and this”. And look where I am. That’s where the dedication starts from. It’s not from me. It’s not about me. It’s not about u Xolile Tshabalala guys, it’s about uTshabalala no Ncongwane.
Cut! Now, let’s punch in. Close-Up.
There seem to be more people around us now, the restaurant is at full capacity, but we have zoned in. We are deep into the conversation and the sound around us is mere background noise.
Now Dear Reader, I will let you in on a project Xolile is working on. A feature film. It is deeply rooted and inspired by her experience as a young maiden raised by two grandfathers. I tell her that the film must be made, and she assures me that it will be made. The film in question, The Clock Strikes 4; tells a story that stays with you long after you have read it. For your sake, I gently nudge her to talk about what that story means to her and its impact today, when we are chanting slogans like #MenAreTrash. Her response is a resounding no! We cannot perpetuate one side of the argument. She says, ‘you and I can’t do that’. Because I was raised by two amazing old men. Not educated. Umkhulu wami was a delivery man, he used to ride on a bicycle. He would make his deliveries and go around the surrounding areas preaching. Yes, my grandfather was a preacher’. The other one had a herd of cattle. He was a self-sufficient man. And I had my great grandmother, she owned a farm, e Vaal. She was self-sufficient. I would go and hang out, play with the cows. These were my best friends for a while, when my cousins were away. That’s why I was a vegan for seventeen years.
Being raised by men, in the mornings on the way to school other kids were accompanied by their grandmothers and I was accompanied by my grandfathers. You see the beauty of that?
Ekseni my hair was combed by this old man, you know my grandfather is combing my hair, he is making sure ukuthi my shirt is perfectly white and is ironed. My grandfather from my father’s side would come athi ‘Tshabalala let me help you, I will polish her shoes. I will leave fifty rands’. This was from his pension money. Twenty rands would always stay with me.
My father decided I was not his, right? But my grandfather decided that this one is mine. Do you understand the love, my friend? Therefore, we cannot take this for granted.
This is a perfect segway for me to talk about Xolile’s faith and her relationship with God, drawing from this strong foundational grounding by her grandparents, even when her father rejected her.
Cut! Let’s go for an extreme close-up.
Act 02, Scene 01, Take 03: Faith
At this point, I bring into focus her relationship with faith which she has already started to talk about. I am interested in her understanding of the relationship with ancestors because she acknowledges them always.
She clearly, and quickly clarifies that she reveres them. ‘The word is revere; we don’t worship them’. Because umkhulu left me esontweni, you know my friend I am a ‘church child’. He said ma ufuna ukukhuluma no God and I, this is the space for that. Angikufuni ungihambele izinyanga, angifuni ungihambele amathuna. Ithuna yes uze uzolishanela, ulinakekele and make sure ukuthi li right. Not to come and worship and do things because I left you in the house of God. And I left you in my house. Akekho umuntu ozoza azotshela wena ngami because uyangazi, ngikuthwasisile. I’ve got a spiritual gift ngithwasiswe abomkhulu bami. Both of them, you understand. Bebehleli esontweni, bobabili bangishiye eWeseli. I mean I remember I used to battle with that because I would find other churches, other Methodist branches and it would be different, not my usual ‘Siyakudumisa’. My grandfather said, as long as you are kneeling at the pew, God is there, and I will always be there too’.
Gentle Reader, let me use this opportunity to share with you Xolile’s favourite Methodist hymn that you will find at the end of most of her posts, it has become her signature:
Siyakudumisa Thixo siya kuvuma ukuba unguYehova
Umhlaba wonke ubedesha wena, uYise ongunaphakade.
Zonke iingelosi zimemeza kuwe, kwanezulu nawo onke amandla akulo
Ikerubime nesarifine zimana zimemeza kuwe
Uyingcwele, uyingcwele, uyingcwele Yehova, Thixo wemikhosi
Izulu lizele, kwanomhlaba bubukhulu bobungcwalisa bakho.
This is just the first verse of the song. In IsiXhosa, this hymn is called ‘Umbhedesho’. It is a declaration that one worships God, accepts and believes that he is one true God. The song also acknowledges Jesus Christ as the son of the living God and His Holy Spirit, the comforter who brings joy.
I chime in here and insert myself into this point. I find it interesting that she uses the word ‘ungithwasisile’ because the word has been used to mean one specific aspect of initiation.
This tends to create confusion because the true meaning of the word is not reserved only for ukuthwasela ubungoma. We may use different terms sometimes but ultimately, we are all trying to achieve the same thing, we are all trying to reach out to the same God – no matter the different names we call him or the routes we take.
Xolile adds that biblically, and when we pray, we say Egameni lika Yise, nele Ndodana, nelika Moya OyiNgcwele. Why do we then demonize the Spirit when presented in an African expression? It is the slave mentality, because we were told that our traditions are barbaric. We go to God through the Spirit, and we all have the Spirit of God in us. It is how we reach our God spiritually.
I ask if she thinks this misrepresentation of African spirituality is caused by how we sometimes present it? She takes me back to her debut feature which is still in the works. “You know the film we want to tell right; it shows how we sometimes present our belief. There is no reason why one should take someone’s child and turn them into slaves all in the name of ‘initiating’. There’s no need for that. There are elements that we are now adding which were never there at the conception of our belief system. This thing is pure. It is clean. You have a gift Ayanda, and I have a gift – but there is no reason for us to now walk around looking unpresentable. And that’s why I want to tell the young generation that “just because unesipho you don’t have to be into abantu abangayazi, ube yisilwane, something that we are scared of. For me, umkhulu wangithwasisa ngokuthi “intombazane ayiphumi ekamereni ingagezanga”. Ukuthwasa nalokho, teachings about being presentable.
This resonates with me as she explains it as it becomes clear that initiation is about coming of age and discovering oneself holistically. Xolile adds the importance of this in relation to identity.
Act 02, Scene 01, Take 04: Identity
Still rolling… Oh, but the noise levels have gone up. Sound? We’re good. Let’s continue.
In three, two, one… action!
Her voice is at its strongest as she talks, she leans forward, oozing passion and grace. She is deeply connected to this topic, and she just speaks as though she’s reading me a script straight from her heart.
“In my family I am the only one who knows our lineage because umkhulu would sit me down and recite our clan names to me. And this is why I keep reminding my family who we are, whenever we come together. My grandfather from my father’s side made sure that I know him, so I can know who I am as I navigate the world. My mother chose to name me Senkgoane instead of Julia. What my father did, is between him and his God… and my mother. But my grandfathers made sure I never lose sight of who I am’.
A small pivot just for you, Dear Reader, Xolile affectionately, and with heart and joy calls her mom “Swazi girl”.
My hair is curly, you know this. I have the biggest hair you can imagine.
Oh, Dearest Reader, I know all about this hair. In some productions it came close to being the bone of contention because Xolile refuses to relax or do anything to her hair if it does not agree with its natural state.
That was some adlib. Still rolling.
Her voice deepens, there is some affection coming through, and memories – I can’t decide if the memories are sad or happy or both. ‘When I was growing up people would look at my hair and say ‘lo mntwana umntwana weNdiya, uphumaphi. My Grandfather from my father’s side would pull his hair and say, see?
This is our hair, this is our lineage, this is who we are.
We have curly hair. We are tall, we are lean.
We come from a different line of people.
I found out that I am of South Egypt descent our people are also called South Egypt Nubians or black Arabs. I have that blood in me. When I visited in Egypt, after I had just lost my child. You know that story. (Don’t you worry dear reader; we will talk about that story too). I felt people in South Egypt loved me so much. I think they saw themselves in me, there is a resemblance. I know that because I look at my nose and go, why is my nose shaped this way? In a sense, I can find myself in them although I was born in Vrede, South Africa.
I can’t resist adding that she has a nose most would and do pay for! Ooops I said that out loud! We both laugh about it, and she adds: ‘You know even your skin, you know where your skin comes from. So, we know who we are. We cannot wake up one day and want to change these features, because we know who we are.
I ask her straight up, about her confidence which can be intimidating especially to those who have not yet found their strong footing in their identity; I ask if she would agree with me that her self-confidence can be accredited to the fact that she grew up with this strong sense of identity?
She confirms that it is. She is grounded in knowing that she is a Ncongwane. She is a child of an unmarried woman who grew up in her maternal home, and this is why she uses the Tshabalala surname.
I note my observation here, tying this back to God as ‘Him’ and how Xolile’s faith and identity was shaped by two grandfathers who presented God to her as a father figure she can trust. God was presented to her as a constant father. As I make this connection, I formulate a thought that leaps out of my mouth and onto the table between Xolile and I – ‘does this impact your intimate relationships with men’? I further explain the dichotomy of her having these solid men who embrace and accept her, and the man who is her father who rejects her.
She says ‘It’s complicated, but we forgive them (fathers, men). Because you know what Ayanda? I always say that I am blessed that my father was not in my life. If I look at him as someone I lost, then I miss out on seeing the most phenomenal old man who took care of me. Therefore, his absence was also a gift, because maybe he would have made me into something I do not want to be’.
Her voice goes up again as she says ‘Abangithwasisile are the best thing ever! You know people wonder why I’m so neat. My grandfather would wake me up in the morning and say, we must clean the house, put things into order like this, and like that. You know I have so much love and respect for that man. He made me the person that I am. I would see abanye abantwana bekhala belandwa abomama babo, mina ngithi ngilandwa umkhulu wami. Umkhulu knew that I am very soft, I look hardened, but I am very kind. One time I was bothered by a kid who kept on stealing my pen and I would just say, oh but maybe she needs it you know.
Umkhulu wathi hhay, hhay asambe, siyofuna i pen. So, we arrive at the kid’s home and umkhulu tells the mother of this child that this is not good, this child can’t keep taking my pen and kumele ashaywe manje. And I said to mkhulu, Mkhulu, I forgive her. Let’s go. Needless to say, the child did not receive any punishment. On our way home mkhulu says “now you are busy playing with this child, that’s not what we came here for”.
Just to be sure, we all know – her name means one who has forgiven, Xolile.
At this point the waiter comes to refill our drinks. Yes, Dear Reader, we ordered during the takes. The drinks are non-alcoholic. By drinks I mean passion fruit and lemonade, sparkling water and a rooibos cappuccino for Xolile. The waiter tries to move us to a bigger table but someone who has been waiting long at the door for a table beats us to it. The waiter is slightly embarrassed as this was his idea and now, we are floating between tables. Xolile flashes him her beautiful smile, communicating her understanding and soon we are back at our seats and on the topic at hand.
With zero hint of annoyance, she seamlessly rounds off her story by saying, ‘He taught me that I can be strict and firm, but I must never forget kindness’.
The waiter brings our food and Xolile says grace for us.
Act 02, Scene 01, Take 05: Vocation
Let’s go for singles. We really should invest into multi-cams so we can ditch single cams!
We continue talking about being assertive and she shares that this is one of her principles. Even in the jobs she takes on. She has a measure they all go through. She does not take any job that does not speak to her, any job that doesn’t honor abantu abadala, when she gets a job, she asks herself if her grandfather would be proud of her. “Because there are things ezisiphunyukayo, Ayanda and they are meant to. When you’re chasing money, you will find yourself doing things and telling stories that make you…. (she cringes to demonstrate her point)”.
As I ponder on this, I share that this is especially crucial to remember because stories are forever, because of the digital times we live in. She adds, “Because we’re on Netflix now” – and she doesn’t have to finish the sentence because I get it. Our stories are on a global stage and the world can look at us, hear us, see us. So, when you do something, you must be sure that this is what you want to do because it will most likely outlive you. Xolile puts the nail in this by saying:
‘and children have to look back and say:
I understand my ancestor, I never met her, but I see her”.
This feels like a perfect moment to talk about opportunities and jobs lost. Being deliberate and intentional about choosing which projects to be part of comes at a cost. The industry is unstable, the economy is fluctuating, and independent creatives have no soft cushions to fall back on unless they build them. I recall at least two big jobs that Xolile was praying for in the last three years. These jobs were big, to us – at the time. We assume they would be perfect for her and take her career to new heights.
Her face remains open, but I can see she is traveling back to those moments of disappointment, despair and perhaps defeat. I ask what those moments do to her, because these things happen to even people at her level. She pauses then says “We are made of flesh right, we bleed, we cry. So, when that happens you say uhhh I did not get that job. I really wanted it. In your mind you think this would have taken me somewhere. Little do you know that this is exactly where you’re supposed to be, this is where God wants you to be. There were two shows that I so badly wanted to do, and you know this. But when I look back in hindsight; I look back and ask myself but what part was I going to play? That was not my story to tell. That was not a part of my journey. Of course this is in retrospect, but in the moment, you cry and say I would have loved that. Then you go back to your knees and say, I had forgotten that God’s will, will be done on earth and in heaven. Remember, His will, will be done. There are people who love you, who are praying for you who are already close to heaven. And that’s how you wake up every morning and say, ‘let’s start again”.
Now I bring up her versatility and her ability to pivot. Xolile cannot be put down. She will cry for a role and then get up and call to say ‘mngane, sesila manje, we are fundraising for the film’. She is always trying something new, something different. She also functions in this space as a director and yet sometimes she intentionally stops herself from jumping to any project. She adds that sometimes she doesn’t get awarded directing gigs because some people think, ‘oh but she’s just an actor’.
Let me jump in here and say: This is a pity because there are actors who are equally strong as directors, and they tend to be great in pulling out performances since they know how to speak to actors. The bigger element though is her intentionality because there are stories she does not want to tell. This is why she has decided to work on stories that most people might not want to fund; “like who would fund a story about a garbage man – the recycle entrepreneurs. Nobody is telling old people’s love stories. These are for her soul”. She adds.
Dear Reader, I got you – these short films are under 10Thousand films on YouTube: I will never give up on you.
I ask Xolile about these because the cast she has on these shorts is top notch! I see her heart behind this work. This is what held her in place when she was in-between jobs. She tells me that she just wakes up and thinks who are my actor friends that I can be honest with and say anginamali, let’s go and play. I will make you very comfortable, let’s go and play. Then there are the elderly actors, those I pull out money from my pockets. It is disrespectful to use uMom Nandi and uBab Yule and not give them anything. So, you draw from your reserves if you want your story to be seen. With the younger actors you discuss possibilities with the performance of the project. Nat is a friend of mine. We had just done Raisin in the sun together. I could simply call him up and say my friend there’s a story I want to try out and he says sure, let’s try it.
For me friendship is also currency, I can call on my friends. If we don’t tell our stories the way we want, whether or not they are big or go far but they are seeds that we plant. You don’t know what it’s going to yield.
I particularly like this thought because it forces us to understand the seasons to plant, and to reap. Everything has its own time. This is one of the things I mean when I say Xolile can pivot. It is one of the things I admire about her.
She cries, she acknowledges the low moments, but she doesn’t dwell in them. She pushes and tells stories even when there’s no money, using her talent and gift. She was doing her last short film when Netflix called her for Blood Legacy.
As she says this, I am reminded of another show she worked on, which is also on Netflix: Blood and Water. I laugh about this blood situation between her and the Netflix shows. In Blood and Water, she came in as support but still gave it her all. I am reminded of what my fellow screenwriting mentor once said: “Minor characters don’t know they are minor”. Mmabatho Kau.
I am just talking about the different roles that Xolile has done and embraced without thinking about what number she is on the call sheet. Her level of commitment is unmatched, sometimes she commits even more than the lead/s. I then ask her, ‘so what happens on a set where you think you should be number 1 on the call sheet but you are cast for a smaller role?’
She tells me that even as actors they are trained to understand that there is no such a thing as a small part. Not being the lead is not up to you, it’s not your fault. However, when you are committed to the character, you must go to the ends of the earth for them. She believes that if you are the lead there is a responsibility and an expectation on you. ‘Like in Blood Legacy as a lead I was clear that I have to set the standard so high, so that the other actors can vibrate on the same level and together we can up the stakes.’ So, if she doesn’t do this it goes back to her name, her grandfathers ‘name. She has to honor that.
With Nwabisa (her Blood and Water character), I had to find her, search for her from everything I could find. My approach was that here’s a woman who is desperate. I’ve got to be desperate with her. You know you and I don’t have kids, mine is gone obviously. I had to draw from that strength, me desperately holding onto Onkgopotse; my son. Nwabisa is desperately trying to hold on to Fikile. If I short-change that then I am dragging the great Tshabalala name. That name… think of the Ladysmith Black Mambazo. This name is synonymous with excellence so I can’t just take it for granted. It’s in the name.
I note that after everything is done, the name remains. We receive the name and work with it and then we leave it. We must leave the name better than how we found it. Even if we don’t have kids, it must stay shining. Xolile adds that working with the name also means cleansing it. We may not agree with what our forebearers do, but we honor who they are beyond their complex decisions and actions.
Taking about decision and actions. Some of us wish we had trust funds, but clearly that is not part of the legacy. I bring up how financially savvy Xolile is. She is very smart with money. I would not say uyinqonqela (stingy), but she is financially responsible and is very disciplined. This is something our fellow creatives struggle with. I ask how she does it.
“I think for me it started with being the only child. Knowing that my mother is a teacher, her salary won’t take me far. She was just a girl also chasing after her independence and creating a life for herself. She wanted to look good. When I was still at The National School of the Arts as a student, there was a time when she could not pay my fees. My Drama teacher knew I might not return to school because the fees were heavy for my mom. Luckily, NSA Head Mistress Mevrou De Klerk came and watched my performance and said, ‘she’s never seen such a brilliant performer’. However, she was told, well she might not come back.
She called my mom in and said ‘Mom let’s share. Either you pay school fees, and I pay boarding fees but what I know is that this child is not leaving the school. And I knew then the power of money and the power of grace. I learned that I’ve got to save. You don’t know what tomorrow holds for you. Everything I earn, I pay myself first. Paying myself means I have to save money for me first. If I earn R10, then R8 goes to savings. The R2 must cover everything”.
It’s a discipline. Angishadanga, remember. I don’t have a husband that I can go to and say ‘lovely, please.’. No. it’s me, and me alone. This also gives me independence. Also, when I’m going out on a date with a partner, I pay for myself so that I decide when do I want to leave, who is in charge of me, it’s not some guy sitting next to me. I’ve dated very wealthy men in this world. Not one of them has ever bought me a chewing gum. You understand what I’m saying? “The only person who has ever contributed financially towards me is my seven-year relationship. He was clear and firm about playing his role.
However, I still bought myself my first house. I bought that house at 24, from money earned at Generations. I was very clear about it. I was also doing a lot of commercials, so I bought the house cash. I saved money. I always wait until I can afford something before, I buy it. It’s hard but again, discipline. Our industry is as volatile as it is unpredictable. You only have yourself as back-up. Banks don’t lend us money to buy houses or give us long term loans. It is for this reason that I buy things cash. I’m an actor, unfortunately waiting for the government to sort you out doesn’t work because it will never happen. I don’t have debts. I don’t even own a credit card. My grandfather taught me that we use what we have, we don’t knock kwamakhelwane siyocela ushukela. For me this also means that there is no guy who will come and buy me things or buy my love.
Act 02, Scene 01, Take 06: Love
We’re still on scene 01? Oh yes, Oh but Dear Reader… it’s getting fun and cozy now!
We are about to finish our food. She is having lamb; I am having a large salad. It keeps staring back at me and I am looking away because I know I can’t finish it. I take a piece of the side dish – hot chicken wings and I think of matters of the heart. A strange pivot from money, or not – just go with me.
So, my friend, you and I have prayed and asked God if we have husbands because it has been tricky in the love department. We both laugh about this as we are taken to moments of talking about intimate relationships and how it has been an interesting journey of heartbreak, self-discovery and confusion. I ask her, ‘would you say that the dichotomy in your relationship with your dad versus your granddads has impacted your view on love’?
She considers this and then agrees. ‘I am in that dichotomy; you’ve said it well. I meet certain people, and they seem… You know my seven-year long relationship. I mean that was one of my best relationships. But it ended in rejection as well. To be fair to him, he needed to have children, and I could not give him children. As sad as it is, as a human being, I have to be kind and say ‘angeke ngikwazi ukumupha abantwana’ so let him go to someone who can give him that. As much as he did certain things that I did not approve of, now in hindsight I can say God had a better plan for him and I will love him from a distance. He’s not part of my life because he needs to build his family.
And then you meet others nje… eish you’re just like ay he’s an ilk of my father dearest and I won’t even bother. Also, I was in America so the distance created problems. My relationship with somebody overseas did not take off because of the distance. And you meet someone here, and you think maybe I’m maturing now, I’m meeting somebody who is matured – and you realize he’s just a boy, uzohluleka.
So, you’ve got to walk away and say it’s all in God’s timing. If it is written his will for me, it will come, and if it is not, I’ll still be that girl who is strong, and I’ll still be ok. I don’t have to measure my life, the success of my life on nginomntwana ngishadile. That’s not the yardstick of my life.
The yardstick of my life is ‘was I’m a good person,
did I love hard, even the ones who rejected me,
even the ones who played me?
All I know is mina, uXolile
I’ve given you love; you chose to play with it.
When I go back to God, I can say I tried, I did love him enough, he did not love me back. It is what it is.
Xolile is an absolute romantic! I tell her that I think a long-distance relationship would not work for her. I am pretty sure she would much prefer a partner that she care sit with, stare into their eyes, wrap herself in his strong arms. Someone she can cook for. She adds ‘ngimphekele ujeqe’. We laugh. These are layers of this complex yet transparent woman sitting before me with people at the neighboring tables starting to recognize her from some of her shows or films, I bet… but they are too polite to approach and ask for autographs… remember dear reader, we are in a posh restaurant at a posh suburb.
Back to talking about love she straightens up and says ‘We love hard, we love with the purity that love is meant to be, because love is pure. My biggest fear is going back to God and being asked ‘wena udlale ngobani emhlabeni?’ I never want to be asked that question.
I want to ask if there was ever a person, even when she was younger; a guy whose heart she broke. Although I know she was never into ‘dating’ for the sake of it. Before I even finish my question – (I was going round and round in circles); she jumps in to say yes, that’s true. I do not just date. I haven’t been in a relationship for two years. I’m on a break because I’m not just going to date anybody. I’m not going to just open doors to anything. The only time I opened my door, because on my side I had spoken to God and my ancestors asking if this was the right person. I’ll tell you a story about the father of my child, Onkgopotse. I remember meeting him and asking, is this the right person? I had dreamt of my grandfather a week before I met this guy. My grandfather said to me in the dream, ‘You’re going to meet a person, that’s not a good person but you have to go on a journey with this person, that I can’t block. I do not like this person for you but it’s your journey.’ And that’s how I ended up with that guy. And that’s how I ended up losing my child in Germany. And that’s how I ended up wishing I’d never met him. But it’s ok, because all the good and the bad, the choices that I made are all part of me. I’m grateful as well because with that guy I can now say I once had a baby in my womb, I can say ngingumama ka Onkgopotse.
At this point Xolile naturally flows into talking about how when Onkgopotse left, to her it felt like God saying, you can hold a baby in your womb, even though you did not carry full term. She says that she had always believed that she could not bear children. God was clearly saying this one is not the one. The guy revealed himself to me but as most of us women do, I was just saying uzolunga, uzoba right. And I tend to choose them, to choose my father over and over.
This is why she is in this two-year period with no relationship. She is not about to tick boxes but wants to be as intentional about this area of her life as she is with the rest of her life. To find herself so that when the next one comes, she can boldly ask what their intentions are. I bring up the idea that we often think we have resolved our rejection pain especially from our fathers, but it seems like an ongoing process. She agrees and adds: ‘the pain of being rejected by someone who is meant to love you is the hardest thing. I was dating a guy who had kids. He would talk about what he’s doing for his kids. I would try and make him see how wonderful it is what he was doing for his kids and being so attentive to them. He would say ‘they are mine and I have no choice in it’. I told him you have no idea, some of us have parents who still made different choices even though we are their children’.
The scar of rejection leaves fear for some of us. The fear holds us back. Xolile adds that for her it has been ‘angisafuni ngami, ngilimele kakhulu’ and the two years are also about acknowledging that and discovering what she truly wants. She is an avid gardener. She has seen her pawpaw give her offerings twice. This is a result of planting and then surrendering the growth process. Rejection can make us fight too hard for things that are not even ours, and therefore even through nature – this pawpaw reference teaches her that okwakhe kuzochichima. She doesn’t even water it, she left for Durban to shoot Blood Legacy for six months and came back there was an overflow at the paw-paw tree.
I chime in to add that I love how she says, ‘my pawpaw’. What’s yours will produce good fruit. She co-signs this statement saying ‘the one I’m going to end up with will come to me directly and we will carry on moving forward and there will be no fear. He will constantly remind me why he’s been brought into my life. He will just fill in the gaps he needs to fill, until I ask, “but how did you know I needed that”? Just like how I ask, “God how did you know I needed that job, that part”?.
She proceeds to tell me about how she ended up on the show. She went to the reading with Mom Nandi (Nyembe). In her mind she was just going to help Mom Nandi who kept on saying, phela ngena nawe bakubone. She auditioned and then was later advised the role has been given to someone else. Mom Nandi gets called for a call back. Much later, Xolile receives a call to say she is asked to come back for a second read.
As she narrates this I’m thinking, that was a lot. First, she did not even want to audition, and then she did. She was then bummed when the role was given to someone else, I assume just as she makes peace with it, she is called back again. My Dearest Gentle Reader, my anxiety would not handle that! I ask how it felt when she was not chosen for the role initially. She honestly says that she was offended. ‘We get offended, and you think, that’s a bit unfair. Especially when a person is considered without them coming into the audition. So now walking back in, the second time, knowing who they want, meant she had to walk in and show them what they would miss. Xolile drops in a previous experience on a film she was on called Rise.
I was a Commissioning Editor (at a different Broadcaster) when she auditioned for this role and there was a particular actor that everyone wanted, and I spoke up about the vast difference in that actress and Xolile’s range in terms of performance. Although I had to fight, I won. Xolile was cast in the film and in retrospect the team agreed that it might not have worked out the same way with any other actress.
Xolile pulls up this memory as she talks about having to go audition again for Blood Legacy knowing there is someone else with different and perhaps preferred looks and social media engagement and following. She talks about how these things do not help anyone with their performance. An old granny watching somewhere away from the noise and social media can tell that something is missing in a performance. This gogo does not know nor care for the actor’s social media status.
I commend her on delivering in a 20 episode show where she is the protagonist, and her story is prominent in each episode. We wrap this part by going back to the point that when something is yours it will come to you, and you can put in the effort without having to apply pressure.
Cut! Now we’ve gone back to the work sub-theme. This won’t make sense in edit.
But time is going, and we will lose the light so let’s just keep going.
Xolile tells me about another audition for a film. She was called in to audition. She performs and the director calls her saying ‘Xolile, you killed that part, but I am sorry, they want so and so, and I have no control over that. I’m sorry.’
Later, I watch the film and I’m thinking I would have done better; I would have kicked ass!
Our final reflection on the matter is that it was good that she did not get that role as well because it might have dampened her moment in the current show. She would have been on too many shows on the same platform.
Cue the waiter!
He promptly comes and collects our plates, and we order more water.
I ask her about how difficult it must have been for her to keep her hair and reject make-up and all that adds glamour to the ‘gilts and glam’ our television world is known for. She agrees that this choice has come at a cost because some people can make you feel bad for refusing to put add-ons on you especially in the industry. ‘Even in auditions I walk in with my bare face, and I tell the director, this is a canvas you can draw on.’ If I have to do anything extra it must be character motivated, not just because Xolile wants to look cool on screen. I could wear a wig for Nwabisa because I understood that Nwabisa is hiding something, she’s hiding behind the wigs. Even digging deeper into the character, it made sense that the thick make-up and wig are about hiding that the child is not hers, so she was forcing the daughter to look like her. Fakazile (a character she plays in Happiness Ever After) was too much as a character in how she dresses and her hair and make-up, and this is because she lacks self-affirmation. So, if it is inspired, and adds layers to the character then I will do it. I will wear the layers of the character. However, do not expect me to bleach my skin just because I want to be cast in a project, no thank you. This goes back to the honor, changing who I am for anything dishonors and betrays the name I carry.
Xolile passionately talks again about the hair and shares that in her lineage, as they grow older, they lose the hair. She knows it will happen to her too and she will be bald. She is looking forward to it because it will be another version of her. From a little girl who had very long hair that was cut and sold, to the older woman in her sixties who will lose her hair and wear a different look. As a child her grandfather would cut her hair, and she thought she looked like a ‘boy’ but her grandfather affirmed her and told her she’s beautiful.
Gentle reader, if I thought I understood Xolile’s relationship with her hair in relation to her identity then I was wrong, because this brings things into sharp focus.
With fresh drinks and the orange glow of the setting sun hitting us, I shift the conversation… keeping my promise to you, my reader.
Act 03, Scene 01, Take 07: Onkgopotse di tiro tsa moDimo
I’ve always loved the name Onkgopotse di tiro tsa moDimo purely because it reminds me of God’s wonders in my life. Here I was in Germany at the Berlinale Film Festival. I was walking around, and my boy was just saying ‘Mama, I am not going further with you on this journey’. I remember going around knocking at doors because in Germany you won’t just find a gynecologist you have to know where they are.
One night I had a dream. In the dream I was walking, and my grandmother telling me ‘Keep going, keep going’. So, as I am walking, I see a German (Dutch) lady saying something and then she leaves the door open. I walk through and I keep walking.
Not long after this dream I felt something was wrong and knew I needed help. So, I had to look for help in this foreign country. I kept walking as I had in the dream with My grandmother’s voice accompanying me. I go towards a door, and I press the button – a guy appears, I ask for a gynecologist, ‘I’m in trouble.’ He says, ‘how did you find me?’ He tries to put my child back together and says I don’t know where you come from, I’m sure you believe in God, but every child comes because God’s will said so. Just so you know.
I went back to the hotel and at night I dreamt of my grandfather saying, ‘Ngiyeza ngizothatha umntwana, this is not working’. The following day I was in hospital, having a miscarriage. Terrible. This was one of the hardest, most painful times. The father of my child saying, ‘She must go back to Africa!’. Mind you, he is an African man. He was saying things like, I am your god, who do you think you are?! I said I serve a living God. Yeah, now I’m down and out, I’m a nobody – true, but I serve a living God. I thank God for that because I got to know Him, this brought me closer to God.
I was in this country that is very racist, and terrible. Even in the ward a German lady there said, ‘no I don’t want to be in the same ward with a black woman.’ They wanted to remove my womb. The operation was planned for 11am. My womb was going to be removed because of fibroids, no child could grow there. I dreamt of my grandmother saying ‘lalela ke sisi, akuna womb ezokhishwa la. You are going to Baragwanath hospital back home, they will help you’. Time for the operation came and nothing happened. I finally got back home. As I landed, my 7-Year relationship was waiting for me at the airport. At this time, he was helping me as a friend. We had already broken up.
Dear Reader, from henceforth, he who once loved her shall be known as Mr. 7 Years.
I insisted on going to Bara, he and everyone was suggesting different and seemingly better hospitals, so we were fighting over this. I had a medical aid and was able to go to those hospitals, but I chose to hold on to what my grandmother said in the dream. She had clearly directed me to Bara and explicitly said they will help me there. I learned humility during this period. I was well taken care of in Bara.
Being a government hospital means that the hospital is usually full. I was placed in a ward full of other women – it was crowded. This also means that hygiene wasn’t at its optimal.
Dear Reader, the corner mentioned here is not a fancy private room. No, this is where ladies who were prisoners would be placed. In fact, during Xolile’s stay at the hospital she shared this little corner with a female prisoner. She still washed in the crowded bathroom with other patients.
Xolile nod as she reflects on this. “I truly saw provision and God’s favor there. To this day I will always honor Baragwanath hospital. I recently visited the hospital and two of the people who were there are still doing the Lord’s work. I believe in the medical care given at that hospital. Other things might not be working well but there are people who care, and they give the best they can, always”.
I nod in awe as I realize that although Xolile went there crying, ready to lose her womb, in Bara she was assisted and that never even happened. Just like her gran said in her dream. She adds ‘In Berlin I was in one of the best hospitals in the world, but they could not help me’. They could not even find my vein because I am too dark. My dear friend Tshepi Finca, who worked at the Consulate was with me through all this while the father of my child who was now moving with white women, insisted that I should go back to Africa.
Back to Mr. 7 Years, something we have to learn as human beings is that ‘the love of your life is not necessarily the person you will end up with’. My 7 Year relationship was my everything. I thought we’d get married although I was aware of my situation as far as having children is concerned, but alas – it did not happen. After Onkgopotse, Xolile learned that God’s mercies are sufficient, and that we should not put a conclusion to the story of our life let God be the one who does that. ‘We write ourselves off not knowing God has a different chapter for us. I have moved on and have even released Mr. 7 Years. We are good friends now and we talk now and again. I am grateful because we raised each other in those years. It was just not meant to be’.
We stand to leave; we went over time, but we are still laughing. As we stand, a young lady comes asking for a photo with Xolile. She gracefully declines but gives her a hug and asks her who she is. She even walks over to the table where the young lady is sitting with her mother. She greets the mother too and politely explains that she does not like taking photos but prefers to talk to people and remember who they are. The young woman is just smiling. What I read from her glowing face is that she feels seen.
CUT!!!
Wait, that’s it? What happened to scenes 2, 3, 4 and…the rest of the scenes? This is just a ‘one scene per act’ story’?
Well, Dear Reader,
Focus on the acts not the scenes.
This lady is a class act,
she eats scenes for breakfast
and runs through beats
with depth and conviction no words can capture.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a wrap!
